I’m gonna love you…

I woke up in tears
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we’re not promised tomorrow

So I’m gonna love you
Like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna hold you
Like I’m saying goodbye wherever we’re standing
I won’t take you for granted ’cause we’ll never know when
When we’ll run out of time so I’m gonna love you
Like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you


A year ago, I went on a Tinder date…

One year ago today, I went on my one and only Tinder date – why I had download the app in the first place is a whole different story. That date was with the man I spent the next year falling head over heels for. I did not see that coming. It has been a wonderfully exciting adventure so far. He balances me in a way I didn’t know I needed before and just the thought of him makes my stomach flutter.

Now, I must go get the wine ready.

A friendship that just ends.

Something I am having difficulty understanding lately is how
someone can simple walk away from a friendship. Not just a friendship left over
from high school days, or an old coworker, but one of the longest, closest
friendships in your life.

There are many major and minor details to this story – a
friendship beginning with a love at first
moment, living hundreds of miles away, a long distance courtship, a
decision to be friends, watching each others lives play out – but the bottom
line remains and in the end: a friendship was given up on.

I suppose to some living with what could have happened can be too overbearing. The mind is a
powerful thing. It just seems crazy to walk away from a friendship when the two
of you have been through so much. That could be just it: we have been through
too much to continue on as just friends, and our lives are too separate and in
difference places to be anything more than friends now. And that realization
may have been too much.

To him, too much had changed. Our friendship seemed to
require too much effort and conversations were turning more and more one-sided.
I did not see it like this. The type of friendship we always had was one based
on talking when we could – due to long distance -, sending the odd hi text, but simply being there for each
other and being a friend. I respectfully see how us being in different places
in our lives would have an affect on our friendship; it has in the past too.
But giving up on it because things became unfamiliar seems childish and hasty.

I am not closing the door on our friendship. I am not the
type of person to do so, especially with someone that has been through so much
with me. I will miss his random texts, but he knows where to find me if he ever
feel so inclined at another point in his life.

Aloha Stranger.

“I can’t, you’re a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody who would never ever hurt me, ever. And now I just can’t stop picturing you with her, and it doesn’t matter what you say or what you do, it’s just changed everything. Forever.”

– Rachel, the morning after she found out Ross slept with someone else.

The past handful of months of my life have been trying. The roller coaster of emotions I have been on was something I never thought I would experience. I sacrificed a lot. It has taken a long time for me to begin to find balance and find my own happiness again. I don’t think I realized how dependent on someone else I was for those things. Transitions are always challenging. Especially when you feel your voice is not being heard. This transition was challenging, confusing, dark, and painful. Is it too cliche to say I came out stronger? I do feel different. Perhaps not stronger, but more aware of myself. I know what I need; what I want. I don’t want to compromise for it anymore.

Merry Christmas, to our angel.

Its Christmas Eve.
You are suppose to be here.
With your friends but most importantly with your family.
We miss you. Every second. Every day.
Know that. Feel that. Wherever you are.
We love you, dear Zoe, our angel.
Merry Christmas to the brightest, most beautiful soul I ever met.
You don’t know the impact you had on me. Thank you.